I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
