There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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