haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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