I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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