stop calling my apartment porn island.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
