is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
