Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I need a beard to bite.
Pants are for mortals
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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