god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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