I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
