My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
