I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
