Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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