i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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