She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
