I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
