I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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