i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
