I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
