i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
