I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
