Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
