it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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