Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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