Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
