I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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