Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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