Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
