Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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