I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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