there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
