I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
