i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
