i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I touched a dick in church today
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
