i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
