I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
