I love black thongs
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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