what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My balls are so social today.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
