Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
