Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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