I met the friendliest cop last night
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
