i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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