Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
