my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
