Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
