I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
