i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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