Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
