mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
