how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
