I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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