i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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