Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
