why didn't you poke me back
Don't make out with my wife yet
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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