shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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