I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
