I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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