none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
