i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
