; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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